Heavy Thoughts...

My thoughts have been heavy and deep today.

The fact that I'm sick makes it even worse.  I'm not feeling down or depressed, just...

Serious.

Pensive.

My kids are growing up so fast.  I find myself thinking, "Wait!  Where did the time go?  Can't this last just a little longer?"

My kids are so great!  They light up my world and make my heart soar every time they smile.

Nathan came up to me today and said, "Mom, I love you.  I love you so much!  I'm sorry you don't feel good.  I think you will get better in 3 days."  It completely melted my heart!

I also loved the prediction.  He's very adamant about his predictions and he's usually very specific.  And just like anybody, sometimes they come true and sometimes they don't.  In this case I hope it does come true.  I'd love to be over this in 3 days!

I found out why I've been having fevers and a sore throat and all of that.

I have a really bad strep infection in my throat.

The doctor also thinks I have mono.

MONO!

Really?  What the heck?!?

I told my husband and he said, "Who've you been kissing?"

(Tyler's never had mono, so he's pretty sure that he didn't give it to me.)

I replied with, "You and the kids."

lol

At least he can make me laugh, even when I feel terrible.  That's always a good thing.

So I've been concerned about that.  I also found out that I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, but we decided to keep it on the low for a while, given my history of miscarriage.

Well, history decided to repeat itself on Tuesday and I lost the baby.

I'm really okay with it, since I was taking some medications that aren't very good for a developing nervous system and things like that.  Plus, my body is still healing from my CPT 2 Deficiency, and it didn't react well to being pregnant... unfortunately.

I'm really sad, of course.  I really wish that things could have been different.  This would have been the perfect time as far as spacing goes with my kids.  Lydia and the baby would have been 2 1/2 years apart.  My sister and I are 2 1/2 years apart.  It's perfect!  I've never been able to achieve that spacing, though.

I was also thinking about my sister and her baby bump.  Emlyn, my new niece (she hasn't arrived just yet), tried to come on Monday.  Her due date is a little ways off still, though, so we were a little concerned.  I was telling my mom to tell Alice that she shouldn't feel guilty.  That was the worst thing and something that no one prepared me for when Logan was born.  The guilt and the feeling that it was all my fault was almost unbearable!

I started thinking about Logan's birthday...

Man, that was an interesting day.  Then I thought about the day Lydia was born and then the day that Nathan was born.  Both interesting and fun in their own way, but each very different.

And since I was thinking about my kids births, I started thinking about my first baby.  My beautiful little girl that I placed in the arms of another.

I know I did the right thing.  She has an AMAZING life and a WONDERFUL family!  I knew from the moment she was born that she belonged with them.

But sometimes, it's still hard.  She's a part of me, a piece of my heart, but she's not here with me, and that is a hard thing to wrap your mind (and heart) ardound.  I'm thinking that I need to work a little better on her scrapbook or something.  That might help with some of these feelings.

I can't believe it's been almost 10 years.  Talk about flying time!

But, she's healthy and happy and she's extremely smart.  She's in 4th grade and reads at a 6th grade level, speaks German, knows all of her articles of faith in English and German (memorized), loves the Book of Mormon (especially the battles) and loves her big brother (and her other family members, too, but she's really close to her brother, which is one of the things I wanted for her - a big brother that would love her and protect her).

I love adoption.

It is a miracle.

I would do it all over again for my dear, sweet Leah.

Even the pain and the heartbreaking court process and everything else.

I can't imagine a world without adoption. 

It brings so much joy and comfort and happiness to so many - including the children and the birthmoms.  Especially the way things are now with so many open adoptions and the wonderful relationships that the birthmoms and the adoptive parents have with each other.

It's so wonderful!

If you want to read some great, uplifting thoughts about adoption (as well as some great articles, stories, experiences, and several funny things...) visit the r house.  Lindsey is an amazing person, and she will probably win your heart over fairly quickly, just like she's done with many others.

I love adoption!